Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Hungry Man's Guide to Making The Big Ass Salad

Congratulations for venturing out of pizza territory. I know this is not easy for a man to do and I applaud you for your willingness to explore an arena that has an entire section dedicated to it on the T.G.I Friday's menu: The Salad. Salad has a bit of a shit reputation amongst the male community and I completely understand why: it usually contains lots of green things. Fear not! I'm going to give you the tools you need to build a Big Ass Salad that is worthy of the hungry man, I'm talking really big, like as big as a Yorkshire terrier.

  Step 1: The Bountiful Bowl

In order to contain the mountain of food that will be your Big Ass Salad you need a bowl worthy of a king. Think Louis VI of France aka The Fat. A man nicknamed The Fat would definitely have had a big bowl. I recommend taking your bowl and gently putting your face in it. If the bowl is too small to accept your face you will need to upgrade. I suggest bringing this method to a big department store where people will stare at you with pity but you get the last laugh when you're enjoying your Yorkshire terrier sized salad.

  Step 2: The Gorgeous Greens

I know green can be a scary colour. The toxic green slime turned Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello into mega turtles. Thank God for Splinter who found and trained them in the ninja ways ensuring the streets of New York City we're safe from Shredder and other evil forces...but anyway, green shouldn't be feared. Protein powder is to body builders what lettuce is to The Big Ass Salad, it gives you mass. You needn't stick with lame ass iceberg go ahead and feel free to explore the many varieties: arugula, spinach, oak leaf, bok choy, kale. As my good friends the Black Eyed Peas say; 'get a little crazy, get a little stupid.'

  Step 3: The Tasty Toppings

Look at the stars, what do you see? Stars right? No shit Sherlock now pay attention to the salad. The toppings are where you can let your inner child go absolutely buck-wild. There are no limits to what you can put on The Big Ass Salad. If you like cheese go ahead a dump some bleu on that sucker or pepper jack or feta...the world is your big mouldy oyster. On a side note oysters would probably taste nice in The Big Ass Salad. You can explore your deepest, darkest desires and all in the form of vegetation: avocado, peppers, jalapeƱos, carrots, beans, red onions, asparagus, cucumbers, sugar snaps, eggplant, mushrooms or corn. You may even get a bit fruity and start tossing berries, apples or pineapples in there. Do whatever makes you feel good inside. Go 'nuts!' Give into your 'seed-y' nature. Anything goes in The Big Ass Salad.

  Step 4: The Powerful Protein

Perhaps the hungry man's favourite part of The Big Ass Salad the girth aka the MAN MEAT. It won't matter if you make a salad the size of a German Sheppard, without protein you will be hungry within the hour. You can take the classic route and go with beef, chicken or pork but protein comes in various forms. You can beef it up with beans, lentils or chickpeas. Perhaps you're feeling a bit adventurous and want to try some sort of soy based product like tofu or tempeh. Feeling so hungry your head might crack? Then go ahead a crack an egg or two on The Big Ass Salad. If protein is wrong then I don't wanna bacon right.

  Step 5: The Delicate Dressing

Up until this point you didn't need to think about much, you did whatever felt good and kudos to you but now the future outcome of The Big Ass Salad lies in your hands, well technically it lies in your bowl but figuratively it lies in your hands. I tend to think less is more when it comes to topping off The Big Ass Salad. I'm a sucker for heat so I usually put a mix of Tabasco, Frank's Red Hot and a dash of apple cider vinegar. You've been so open to this experience hence far why not bring it on home and create your own dressing? A beautiful mix of balsamic, olive oil and seasonings do beautiful things to The Big Ass Salad. No point drowning it in a white gooey concoction, you sir have class.

  Step 6: Tossing Your Salad

Obvious jokes aside you really need to get in there and toss that Big Ass...Salad. Toss it every which way and with vigour! You can use your hands but I've heard that can be a bit messy so stick with a fork or giant spoon. You want The Big Ass salad to be perfectly tossed so that all the ingredients make it into each gorgeous bite.

  Step 7: Devour Your Salad

Congratulations, you did it! I know it was a lot of work but this isn't the lazy man's salad. You won't find it on a menu at Applebees and you certainly won't find it at a fast food chain. You earned The Big Ass Salad now stop reading this and go eat every damn bite.