Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Wonder What Celine Dion is Doing Right Now

Celine Dion's house is probably all white: the furnishings, the carpet, the chandelier. I bet she has a single wall covered with a plethora of different sized white picture frames filled with white blank canvases. I'm sure Celine Dion has a white dog named 'Jack.' I bet she doesn't eat any white food. I bet she married René Angélil because she loved how his skin would be in stark contrast with the rest of her world. She can never lose René in her house.

I am sure Celine Dion carries a microphone with her every where she goes. Celine never knows where she may find inspiration. She could find it looking at the cascading ivy on her back wall. Or perhaps while she is painting the babies room although who are we kidding? Celine doesn't need to paint, she has minions to do that. I bet her minions are 'little people'. Celine probably loves the circus feel it brings to the house. Maybe she even has them dress up like Oompa Loompas. They did wear white overalls after all.

Celine probably only travels to places where they speak French. The gnashing of teeth that is English is probably too brash for her sensitive ear drums. French rolls off the tounge so simple and beautiful. Celine would never damage her vocal cords speaking English.

Celine always smells of peonies, cinnamon and mint. Celine doesn't even know what the word flatulence means (technically she does know the definition of flatulence because Celine is very educated and has an extensive vocabulary). Celine never has to use the toilet.

Celine probably has her babies hair permed with organic and all natural hair care products. She probably puts tiny beret's on their perfectly coiffed heads while she sits in her white rocking chair serenading them with Celien Dion: The Hits Volume 3.

Celine Dion has 'My Heart Will Go On' on a constant loop in her bedroom. She wants it to be the first and last thing she hears every day. On her death bed she will serenade her loved ones one last time before her last breathe and that song will be 'My Heart Will Go On.' Celine, you are here in our hearts, and our hearts will go on and on.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Some Really Scary Potential Halloween Costume Ideas

A Giant Hand After Eating Cheetos

Mayonnaise

Polyester Suit

MySpace

Glenn Beck

A Weak Handshake

Livin La Vida Loca

Texting While Driving

Mormonism

The Original Ipod Mini in Fuchsia

Romania

America's Obesity Epidemic

Wall Street

Welsh Rugby Fan

A Turban

Vincent Van Gogh's Ear

The French Presidential Election

Greece's Economy

The London Riots

Juarez

Under Cooked Chicken

A Unibrow

The Great Slave Lake

Justin Bieber

Garlic

Hurricane Katrina

A Tramp Stamp

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A List Of All The Lists I Have Ever Made With Excerpts

Hobbies I Quit
-Bongos/Cello/Violin
-Interpretive Jazz Dance
-Poetry Slams
-Making Wall Installations
-Tae Bo
-Candle Making
-Cross Country

Things to Donate to Salvation Army
-Ugly Blue Dress I Bought at Salvation Army
-Fat Clothes
-Skinny Clothes
-Extra Copy of Spice Girl's CD
-Lava Lamp

Baby Names I Like If I Have Children Before 30
-Fable
-Smith (assuming I am married and change my last name)
-Penn
-Corbyn
-Phoenix

Baby Names I Like If I Have Children After 30
-Samuel
-Peter
-Cal
-Harrison
-Hugh

Coffee Creamer Flavors I Need To Try
-Sweet Cream
-Brown Sugar Maple Latte
-Coconut Creme

Things Not To Order From Taco Bell
-Nacho Cheese Anything
-Grilled Stuft Burrito
-Meximelt

Inspirational Quotes
-"Courage is a kind of inspiration." -Plato
-"Once you label me you negate me." - Kirkegaard
-"The marble not yet carved can hold the form of every thought the greatest artist has." -Michelangelo
-"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." -Einstein

Bukowski Quotes
-"Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them."
-"If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose."
-"To do a dull thing with style-now THAT'S what I call art."

90's Music I Need to Download
-N'Sync Bye Bye Bye Album
-The Thong Song
-Backstreet Boys I Want It That Way
-Korn Freak on a Leash

Fancy Food I Need To Eat
-Caviar
-Oxtail
-Veal
-Nutella

Favorite Disney Movies of All Time
-Beauty and the Beast
-Toy Story 2
-Aladdin
-Pocohantas
-The Lion King

Words I Need to Learn to Spell
-Gutair
-Colonel
-Hierarchy
-Ricochet

Words I Need to Learn to Say
-Ordnance
-Emaciated
-I'm Sorry

Honorable Mentions:
-Dresses I Have Worn to Weddings
-Favorite Female Adventurers
-Hipster Music to Download
-Cool Ways to Die
-Foods Not to Eat on a Date
-Ways To Cut My Hair if I Could Cut my Hair
-All The Mixed Drinks I Need to Try
-Museums I Need to Visit
-Philosophical One Liners
-Reasons God May Not be Real
-People to Pray For

Thursday, October 6, 2011

How To Be Uber Pretentious At A Foreign Film Festival

Prep weeks in advance. The moment the film selections are released download the PDF and spend about 30 hours memorizing the schedule. Bonus points if you can also list their country of origin, director and showing code. Bonus bonus points if you wear a beret.

Make a detailed spreadsheet of all the films you NEED to see and cross reference overlapping times. When your other friends mention they may be seeing one or two films flash a snide smile whilst you regale to them your quest to see 18 films in 6 days. Tell them your considering calling into work next Tuesday so you can have a 6 film bender. Who cares about a desk job where the arts are concerned?

Consider cutting out fluids and urination just to make sure you don't miss a single moment of a film.

Imagine meeting men named Francois and Hernando in line for the latest Spanish film noir. You will all be dressed in retro attire and will scuff and throw back your heads in laughter when you see people wearing screen tees and stuff you know was bought from Target. If it cost under $200 do not wear it.

DO NOT EAT THE POPCORN! You are way too pretentious for that. While other people are gorging themselves on jumbo sodas and salty snacks reach into your Ralph Lauren leather duffle and pull out a sleek, monogrammed silver flask filled with the finest single malt whiskey. Be sure to have a selection of watercress sandwiches with the crust cut off and an entire wheel of Brie.

Interject high-brow movie quotes into every conversation for the duration of the festival. Further your arrogance by using lines from The Tree of Life to describe an actual tree.

After an Indian documentary sit on the porch of a fancy bistro with all your other pretentious friends and use terms like "I'm getting notes of..." and "what a balanced bouquet" to describe your bottle of French Bordeaux.

Finally I am sure this goes without saying but if a film contains any English what so ever DO NOT SEE IT! You are intelligent, you can read AND watch at the same time. You are far above the English language. For the ultimate experience in pretentious film going attend a film where there is no English or English subtitles. You are there for the feelings, the emotions, the climax. Words are beneath you. Go forth with your head held high and your nose in the air!