Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Kind Of My New Years Resolutions But Not Really Because No One Keeps Resolutions And I Plan To Keep These

1. Find and Purchase a D.A.R.E t-shirt (can be gifted me).

2. Go to England and convince just one English person that I am English. If any of you have heard my attempt at accent mimickery you would understand how difficult this one will be.

3. Run a half marathon by the summer.

4. Organize an outdoor pillow fight in my local city. Here's looking at you Busan, Spring 2012.

5. Participate in a stand-up comedy night.

6. Learn to rollerblade.

7. Learn how to do a kart wheel.

8. Touch my toes without bending my knees.

9. Invent a board game.

10. Read one book every month.

11. Start a masters degree.

12. Hug my Mimi.

13. Learn how to play chess and be good at it!

14. Learn how to ski.

15. Go the entire year without one cigarette.

16. Buy a bow and arrow and be good at shootin.

17. Get over 10,000 page views on In Need of Natt.

18. Really participate in Movember. Fake stache and all.

19. Stop talking poorly of other people. We are all just doing the best we can.

20. Beat Pokemon Blue on my Nintento DS.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

What It Feels Like To Be Obese

I dedicate this post to anyone who has ever struggled with self esteem so basically I dedicate this to everyone.

Fat people will avoid medical visit's at all cost to avoid the probability that while your sat there on the medical bed of shame your physician will glare up at you from the chart and mutter the words: You Are Obese.

Obese. What a terrible word it may even be one of the top 10 most terrible words ever invented.* How can a word sound fat? I guess the same way that the name Angelina sounds thin. Why didn't my mom name me Angelina?

I was obese. No way around it. No baby fat, no few extra pounds, no fluffy sweater. I was huge and short which made me look more huge and the odd thing is I don't even know how I got there. I don't particularly remember being depressed, sad, angry or any of the other feelings that come along with being discontent with oneself. I remember numb. I remember seeing people smile and trying to remember how that felt. I would have loved to feel depressed because at least it would have been feeling something.

When you're fat the worst thing someone can say is 'you have such a pretty face.' Yeah, awesome, but no guy wants to kiss the pretty face attached to the sausage arms.

When I was fat I felt like I was in a huge cage of my own design. Trapped and content to stay there. With each hurtful comment the cage became more comfortable, more of a permanent home where I could reside forever and hey, at least my home would be fully stocked with pop tarts and pizza rolls.

There are no good camera angles when you're fat. You can take a mirror photo, still fat. You can try the above the head angle popular on MySpace circa 2002, still fat. Your profile picture stays the the same for 3 years because no one has a recent picture because you don't let people take your photo.

When you're fat clothes shopping feels like a terrorist attack.

When you're fat people don't let you forget that you're fat. They decide to point it out just in case you were able to avoid a mirror that entire day and trust me when you're fat you avoid mirrors.

When you're fat you learn to navigate the school halls like Christopher Columbus. That certain bully has math next so go through the technology hall instead. Sometimes there is no way to avoid them so you brace yourself and enter the storm and piece by piece you start to lose yourself beneath each crushing blow.

When you're fat you feel bad for yourself all the time. You begin to attribute every problem in your life to the fact that you are obese and if you just lose the weight then all the craptastic issues will magically sort themselves out.

When you're fat no guys will date you not even the fat ones! Where is the justice in that?

When you're fat your pants look like they are eating you.

When you're fat you will keep getting fatter. There is no maintenance package for obesity, there is no magic fat number that your body feels good at. You gain more weight and you put your health at risk or you decide to do something about it.

And so I did.

...and day by day by day by day by day by day things start to change. Walking up the stairs starts to become easier and playing soccer becomes fun again and you start to engage others as you relearn how to live. People will start to notice you not because of your weight loss but because of the shift in your confidence. You start to realize that not everyone is hurtful and bad intentioned and there are really good people in the world and there are one's you can trust.

When you're fat no matter how much weight you lose you still feel fat and you can't lose this with running, crunches, squats or dumb bells it just takes time and now that you're healthy you'll have much more of it.

*Other terrible sounding words: discharge, obtuse, fork, masticate, fornication, flange, angina

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A List Of Things Mariah Carey Actually Wants for Christmas

1. Candy bowls filled with red almond M&M's. Instead of the traditional M&M logo she would like them imprinted with M&C. She also wants them to have no calories.

2. Justin Bieber to father her next set of twins. She wants the twins to be female and when they come out of the womb she wants the song Baby to be playing on a constant loop.

3. Her abs circa 1997.

4. Whitney Houston's voice box on a silver platter.

5. An Ipad for each of her Jack Russel terriers.

6. Every extinct butterfly be brought back to life.

7. To be buried next to Michael Jackson.

8. That every copy of the film Drumline be destroyed.

9. That her husband Nick would change his name to Denzel.

10. For all cheesecake to be vegan.

11. That every room she enters to reside at 23 degrees Celsius (73.4 degrees Fahrenheit.)

12. An on hand physician to inject her with vitamin B12.

13. For an entire room in her house to be filled with soft, cuddly baby animals. She would prefer them to be white. No monkeys.

14. Rose petals in her toilet at all times.

15. A personal assistant that does nothing but brush her hair.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

In My Ideal World: Christmas Cheer Edition

In my ideal world every person I came in contact with would smell like an 8ft Spruce. When I closed my eyes I could throw tinsel on the crowd of walking trees. I would hang ornaments from their hair branches. I would put a tree skirt on their leg stumps.

In my ideal world every nutrient and vitamin would come from candy canes and mulled wine.

In my ideal world Santa would be real. I would sit on his lap at the mall and know full well that while this isn't the real real Santa he will be reporting my Christmas wishes to the big guy at the North Pole.

In my ideal world I would have a friend who is an elf.

In my ideal world that warm glow that can only come from basking in the company of family and friends dressed in red and green, the twinkle of lights, the smell of warm baked cookies would carry on throughout the year.

In my ideal world the face of a child on Christmas morning would solve every world problem.

In my ideal world every one would take their pets to sit on Santa's lap and then proceed to send the photo out as their Christmas card.

In my ideal world I would marry Santa which would make me Mrs. Santa.

In my ideal world people would actually rock around the Christmas tree.