Thursday, September 22, 2011

In My Ideal World

In my ideal world I could listen to Relient K and the Goo Goo Dolls and not worry about people judging my taste in music. I could run around screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and people would applaud me for my perfect pitch and dedication to the overall tone Johnny Rzeznik was trying to convey.

In my ideal world I could eat nothing but chips and salsa and chocolate and feel no guilt. I would end each evening with a night cap consisting of Kahlua and hot chocolate with not one, but TWO big marshmallows. I would smile as I sat wrapped in a down blanket as the alcohol seeped through my veins and eased me into a gentle slumber.

In my ideal world I could run for 20 miles and not feel sore or tired. I wouldn't need to train for endurance or power or strength, I could just lace up my trainers on a whim and see the entirety of the city on nothing but the soles of my feet.

In my ideal world a university degree would be free. I wouldn't know the discomfort of starting life off a bajillion dollars in debt for acquiring something that should be given to people who want it. I would have the freedom to volunteer for a good cause or for the experience without worrying about making minimum payments or astronomical interest rates. In my ideal world I wouldn't even know what interest is.

In my ideal world I could hug a stranger and not be looked at like I have the pox. I could smile at passer by's and people would smile back. I could say things like 'howya do?' and 'I hope ya have a nice day naw ya hear?' I wouldn't need the support of alcohol to spark conversations with strangers. I would embrace the quirks of others and hope they would embrace mine. I like to hold my hands like chicken wings when I walk.

In my ideal world I could put on a really authentic sounding accent. I could convince even the most Scottish person that I am a Warrior fan, went to uni in Edinburgh and love meself a deep fried Mars bar.

In my ideal world plane tickets would be affordable. At the drop of a hat I could jump on and be somewhere exotic or in the arms of a loved one. All seats would be first class and the on board meals would include Taco Bell, Three Musketeers bars and a 12% bottle of red.

In my ideal world I would live in a tree house.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Expectations for Fall

This Fall I expect to spend much more time outdoors. I want to smell nature. Roll around in the leaves and the mud, examine tree bark, lick it's sap. I won't pull another summer repeat and spend most my time indoors basking in air conditioning and eating popsicles. NOOO! I will sit on a stump and have my own Giving Tree moments.

This Fall I expect to start calling it Autumn.

This Fall I expect to dress more like the artsy/creative type. I expect to dress with flair and coordination. No more jeans and t-shirts for me. It will all be vintage. If it is not more then 20 years old I won't be wearing it. I want people to look at me and think "hmmm, she looks like she just got finished painting something."

This Fall I expect to not crave a single cigarette.

This Fall I expect to learn how to spell cigarette.

This Fall I expect to maintain clean floors.

This Fall I expect to be homesick. Nostaligaaaaaauhhh, be kind to me. I expect to stalk through my Michigan friends photos cursing under my breath at their camping trips and cider mill visits and fresh, hot out of the oven cinnamon doughnuts. Doughnuts cause cancer, didn't you know? Fools.

This Fall I expect to sit around a plethora of bonfires. I expect my wilderness friends to teach me how to start a fire with nothing but a flint. I expect to cook hot dogs and marshmallows and get my friends to snuggle in blankets with whiskey hot cocoa.

This Fall I expect to become more culturally aware. I expect to catch up on every television show and independent film I have neglected. I expect to not be up to date on pop culture. I expect not to care.

This Fall I expect to listen to lots of Hans Zimmer and Warren Zevon.

This Fall I expect to learn all the chords so I can play my banjo around the previously forementioned bonfires I will be having.

This Fall I expect to make a fort.

This Fall I expect to find lentils and cook them.

This Fall I expect Winter to follow.

Monday, September 5, 2011

A Reflection On Nostalgia And Why It Hurts About The Same As Oral Surgery And Why You Shouldn't Read Old Text Messages

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin

I bought a new phone. I spent a good portion of my adult years swearing up and down I would never be one of those smart phone people. Nights spent painfully uncomfortable as friends sat round a table together were simultaneously on their respective Crackberry, checking facebook to see what was going on in their social world all the while allowing the present moment to pass them by. I never wanted to be like that. After making it 24 years I compromised my beliefs for the perks that come with having 24/7 internet access. I settled on a mid-range, slightly older model. Not going for the new, fancy, expensive gadget was a way to make myself feel better for being a sell out. It pains me to say this but I adore this phone. It does make life easier and more convenient to reach all my family and friends around the world. I have but one complaint, one tiny, microscopic little flaw: the alarm sucks. It sounds like a rooster which isn't the problem, the problem is that it's a rooster that seems to be caught under 5 feet of cement. I sleep right through the damn thing, all 6 of my strategically timed out alarms:

6:00 a.m Go to the gym!
6:15 a.m Hurry up idiot! Get up and go to the gym!
6:50 a.m You missed the gym but get up and make eggs and drink coffee and make yourself look decent for school!
7:15 a.m You can still eat some cereal and do your hair!
7:30 a.m Get your clothes on, grab a bagel at the bus stop if you have time!
7:45 a.m You're not even brushing your teeth today!

Pack rat by nature I have kept all 3 of my old phones. Klutz-o-maniac by nature I tend to break things and fall often so it's good to have back ups. My most recently retired phone has the most obnoxious alarm perfect for hungover Thursday wake-ups. Insomniac by nature I was laying in bed, 2 am and work in the morning and I don't know what force pulled my hand toward my old phone but I grabbed it and started a trip down text message memory lane aka Nostalgiaville.

In this fast paced, technology driven society we live in the amount of texts I have sent and received is well into the thousands, a few times over and I can't say I remember most of them. It's easy to forget a joke that was shared, a moment that made you have an LOLathon, an innuendo, an apology, a photo, things that made you cry...

in my phone lay the skeletons of relationships past.

There I was reading through all the texts and one after the other I was brought back to the context of the conversation, the way my stomach jumped with excitement when I saw who it was from, the glee, the rapture, the fleeting moments like sand through my finger tips, so hard to hold on to yet so easy to pick right back up again and again and again. I cried. I lay there wishing with every ounce of my being that I could go back to how things were in the moment, just for a minute, just to remember what it felt like. Nostalgia can be so dangerous. Things become skewed, distorted. Reality seems better then it was which makes the current pain worst then it should be... or maybe it was that good? That's what nostalgia does to people, can you ever be quite sure you are remembering things the way they really were?

I got a tooth pulled once. Most people are born with 8 molars I was blessed to be born with 10. I was quite the little overachiever in the womb. Anyway, after months of continuous pain I bit the bullet and went to have them removed. The dentist took a very scary long needle and stuck it in my gums to numb me from the pain of removal. It hurt initially, took some time to recover but eventually the temporary pain of losing a part of myself did go away. In it's place was a healthy mouth, free from the aids of medicine and trying to temporarily mask my pain. It was a process, it was painful but it was worth going through. It's making the choice to willingly give up and let go of the things that cause us pain. The fact of the matter is the world keeps turning and life does move forward with or without your permission. People who once meant the world to you, people whom you deemed a best friend, a great love, someone you needed may leave you. People will come and people will go but the true ones will stand the testament of time whether as a current fixture in your life or a preserved memory of everything they once meant to you... rose colored glasses included.