Wednesday, August 31, 2011

You May Be An Adult If:

You may be an adult if you need to go shopping for a refriderator. Adults don't skip over that area of Best Buy and head straight to the video games. Every one must eat and therefore every home needs a fridge. It's not like stereo equiptment, computers or even a ceiling fan. If your ceiling fan brakes in the middle of July and you can't afford to buy a new one, sorry Charlie, looks like you're going to spend the night basking in a pool of your own sweat. You're an adult if you want your friends to know the capacity of your new fridge and how it just knows when you are low on ice. Look how my fridge makes ice cubes! Look! Look!

You may be an adult if popcorn is no longer a suitable choice for dinner.

You may be an adult if you own a spice rack. Let me pep up this dish with a hint of dill!

You may be an adult if Saturday nights once spent at various dive bars drunk on beer with all your mates turns into Saturday nights drunk with wine at your friends fancy home with all your mates. Let's get classy wine drunk y'all! We're adults!

You may be an adult if you have contemplated potential future spawn names. Men: If you have future spawn names picked out this does not only make you an adult, it also makes you a woman.

You may be an adult if you have considered being: vegetarian, vegan or strictly eating organic. World look at me with my bags of fresh, zero pesticide, locally grown produce! Pardon me but are these Pringle's organic?

You may be an adult if you have matching hangers.

You may be an adult if you are into trendy grownup sports like ultimate frisbee, disc golf, real golf, rock climbing, yoga, pilates, polo, sailing or skiing. Ummm, sorry I can't strap a snowboard to my feet, I'm an adult!

You may be an adult if you can't go more then 3 or 4 days without doing your dishes.

You may be an adult if you floss regularly and have a general passion for preventative oral hygiene. Did you know that oral care is linked to heart disease? Well I did, cause I'm an adult!

You may be an adult if you look back on your youthful delusions of grandeur and think "Well you were a wee bit silly." You are in a happy place now where you read the news every day and maybe own a cat. You don't get black out drunk any more or sleep with strangers or cheat on your significant other. Life is so much better here, you are an adult.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

What To Say When You Have Nothing To Say

I hear fish tanks are cool. I would know, I just got one. Let me tell you about it. I have already killed 5 fish, but have successfully kept alive 6. My fish tank: It's like UFC but for fish.

Did you see Rise of the Planet of the Apes? It's aight. I don't really get how 50 monkeys could win against like 8 billion humans with big guns and tanks and stuff. Also the title is too long to say. I may have cried a couple times.

How do you think Charlie Sheen takes his coffee?

I had a dream that I made a small fortune selling bumper stickers that said 'Gorilla Suits are cool!' Not a huge fortune, just a small one. Just enough to avoid working for the rest of my life but not enough to afford a private island or 2 Maserati's or eating at The Cheesecake Factory everyday till my last breath.

I wonder what Norway smells like?

Back to fish: How do fish sleep?

When I see people with a tattoo I wanna touch it. I don't care where it is or if it's located in an appropriate location, my fingers will inevitably end up grazing it. Do you have a tattoo?

I can't remember the last time I mailed something. That is sad because I love receiving things in the mail. Hint hint.

If I died tonight I would regret never having eaten a fish taco. I mean like actual fried fish in a crispy shell. Get your mind out of the gutter. Pervert.

I bet having a dick is cool.

Sometimes I wish I was Jim and Pam's baby.

I don't get furniture that is trying to be something that it's not. Futons, what the hell man? Just be a bed or be a sofa. Stop trying to please everyone. Be who you are. Same goes to you waterbed.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Saying Goodbye To People You Know You Will Never See Again

Cue Green Day- Time of Your Life

It's looming. It's sad. It's here. It's life. It's goodbye. Living in an environment that produces a quick turnover of foreigners living in an expat community means you get used to saying goodbye. If you don't you can look forward to living in a constant state of depression. It sucks.

Saying goodbye to people you know you will 100% without a doubt never see again can be difficult to grasp. Every second that ticks by is one less you will be able to share together. One moment you're together sharing a laugh, drinking a beer, taking that last facebook goodbye photo and then tomorrow they get on their respected means of transportation never to be seen again. It feels like death but slightly more morbid. Morbid in the 'No Longer in a Relationship' status type of way. You can still be apart of their life but only through a computer.

Sure technology makes it easy to stay in contact. There is always Skype, email, you can stalk their facebook for years to come (I know I do)...I mean thank God for that. It starts off innocent enough. Facebook wall posts that read:

"Miss your face!!!!!xx"

"I miss you so much baby girl! I want to be pre-gaming at your apartment and dancing to Lady Gaga! Get your po-po-po-po-pokerface on!!"

"Sat outside the mart last night drinking cheap beeeeeers. Wasn't the same without you."

You will also feel the urge to post every inside joke you ever shared, relevant gossip about what your departed friend is missing and how you can't wait to get out of this shit hole.

I miss the days when you said goodbye to someone and meant it. None of this false hope, none of the "Can't wait till you and blah blah blah get married, I am totes coming to the wedding!" or "Reunion time, September 2027, Las Vegas, be there!" You are lying. We all do it. It's the sense of comfort of thinking one day you will be reunited and the magic of the time you spent together will transcend time, oceans and general progression of life in different parts of the world. The fact of the matter is when people leave we all find ways in which to fill the void. New people do come into your life and new friendships will be made. Life moves forward. Soon the posts become fewer and far between. You start to miss Skype calls because of the massive time difference. That email thread you and your girlfriends were all included can go months without one person posting an update. It's really sad.

Going on year three of living in Asia I have seen many people come and go. Friends who at one time of my life transformed my frame of mind, opened me up to new discoveries, travel and art. Held my hand as I walked through the flames of my own transformation, now don't even find the time to respond to my emails...and I hold nothing against them. I get wrapped up in my own life too. While it can be disheartening I feel blessed. Blessed to have been touched by so many amazing people. Blessed to have seen little parts of my soul in the eyes of strangers. Blessed to have had hands to hold, waists to hug, cheeks to kiss and fingers to wipe away my tears. Chances are I may never make it to that small city in New Zealand or to that coastal town in England but I have the memory of our chats, your touch and if ever that seems to fail or I start to forget I will always be able to stalk your facebook.