Sunday, July 24, 2011

Women I Will Never Be Friends With (Also Why Having Male Friends Rock)

When it comes to my close friendships I have a tendency to surround myself with the boy gender of the gene pool. Boys are cool in a way that women usually can't compete with. I am likez a thousand percent sure having a dick and being filled with throbbing testosterone would be the coolest thing on planet earth.

Boys keep it real, give it to you straight, stab you in the front. Boys will fart without apologizing or will apologize but not for doing it, just for doing it so close to you. Boys will always have that childlike quality, that part that will never grow up. The part that when given a stick will undoubtedly act like it is a sword, light saber or magic wand. Will climb a tree at the drop of a hat. Will construct a pirate ship out of legos. Will play video games for hours. Will eat pizza for a week straight and never once stop to think "is this healthy?" Will get drunk on a Monday night just because it's payday. Will openly discuss all things sexual including (but not limited to): masturbation, women they sleep with, women they want to sleep with, the last time they masturbated, the next time they will masturbate etc. Boys fucking rock.

Unlike men who don't dick around the bush but rather give it to you straight, women will smile to your face and then trash talk you the moment they are out of your presence. Academy Award winners don't know shit about acting until they witness a girl fight. First off, I am not saying there aren't some bad ass females out there. I have been around the friendship merry-go-round a time or two and while they are few and far between it makes finding one of these rare treasures all the more thrilling. Secondly, I am not saying I haven't at one point or another been a lame ass female friend. I can only learn from my mistakes and try to be a better version of myself. I, as many women do, have some trust issues with the female species i.e. stealing my boyfriend, lying to my face, dragging my name through the mud but I am not writing off having female friends. Take the best characteristics of men add one cup vagina, one cup witty banter, one cup vintage shopping and you have the Aston Martin of female companions. On that note I have had enough failed female friendships to know what it is I am looking for.

Women I Will Never Be Friends With:

- If you worship at the church of Sex & The City we can never be friends. While the show was entertaining and groundbreaking at the time you my dear are not a Carrie. No one is a Carrie except for Carrie.

- If you end any sentence, written or spoken with the word FAIL, we can never be friends.

- If the Twilight series changed your life, we can never be friends.

- If you do not know who Charles Bukowski is, we can never be friends.

- If you are constantly spewing remarks about other females physical appearance because it makes you feel better about your self, we can never be friends.

- If you can not formulate your own opinion on anything, we can never be friends.

- If your favorite singer is Beyonce or Rihanna, we can never be friends. There is an appropriate place and time for these pop divas, just not every second of every day.

- If you have to get drunk to have fun, we can never be friends. What happened to lattes peppered with good ole conversation? Or bowling? Or going for walks? Or playing checkers? I fucking love checkers.

- If you send emails that threaten 25 years of bad luck and acne if I do not forward it to 80 people, we can never be friends.

- If you still decorate your MySpace page, we can never be friends.

and finally...

- If your life ambitions begin and end with getting married and having babies, we can never be friends. I have had 22 years of those friends and I hold nothing against them, we are just at different places in our life. I want to see Africa, you want to live in Michigan and hang out with other married couples. It's not wrong, we just don't have much in common.

If you agree with me on these statements and think "yeah, I could totally be besties with Natt" I can promise you: nights in watching Sci-Fi movies while eating popcorn and ice cream, midnight runs (to burn off the calories), awesome wing woman skills if you so need them, dancing to Spice Girls, dubstep and anything else that makes ya wanna move. I promise I will never flirt with your boyfriend. If you ask, I will give you my honest opinion on if that shirt makes you look a bit like a Lady Gaga wannabee. I will encourage you to dye your hair red, have that one night stand, eat the second piece of cake, cause damn it, life is too short.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Making Love vs. Fucking

Making Love sways side to side holding each other and moving to music that isn't playing. Making Love gently kisses your neck. Making Love guides you to the bedroom by holding your hand or touching the small of your back. Making Love is thoughtful. Fucking doesn't mess around. Fucking has a goal and the goal is cumming, it's cool if you come too, but really fucking only cares if it comes.
Making Love 1: Fucking 0

Making Love plays James Blake. Fucking plays Tool.
Making Love 2: Fucking 0

Making Love is well into foreplay. There is no race to the finish line here. Making Love will go down on you for a really long time, and it's ok if it takes you forever to climax because Making Love really enjoys knowing that it is giving you pleasure. Making Love says "It's ok baby I just really like doing this for you." Fucking expects head. Fucking wants your mouth on it's dick pronto. Fucking expects to come from oral.
Making Love 3: Fucking 0

Making Love will tug on your hair, but not too hard, nibble on your neck, but not enough to leave a mark, smother you with a pillow, but still allow you to breathe slightly. Fucking will pull your hair out, leave bruises, bite marks, pull muscles you didn't know existed. Fucking will encourage, no, make you try positions you didn't know were legal.
Making Love 3: Fucking 1

Making Love is rhythmic, bodies forming together in a fluid movement. Making Love forms a connection. Fucking burns more calories from all the sweating, bouncing and switching positions.
Making Love 3: Fucking 2

Making Love still wants to hold you after you orgasm. After the blood stops flowing and you are in a sane place of mind, Making Love wants to spoon, lay entangled in your sweaty bodies, order pizza and lounge about for hours. Making Love doesn't regret any decisions from the past night. Making Love may be a bit hungover but so is its partner. Making Love doesn't walk of shame it home. Fucking is scrambling to find its clothes. Fucking says it will call when you both know it won't. Fucking will see you out at the bar and awkwardly nod hello. Fucking, if it was good, will try to get you in the sack again at its convenience. Fucking will temporarily fill you up with passion but as quickly as it comes, it goes.
Making Love 4: Fucking 2

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Mastering The Art Of The Inside Joke

There will be that one time something particularly amusing happens amongst you and one (or several) of your friends. It will occur like a flash of bright lightning, the perfect storm. You have THE statement to capture this moment you all shared together. A way to wrap it up in a little package with a perfect little ribbon on top. A present that you will all be able to unwrap over and over and over again. You are sure it will cause uproarious laughter for the rest of eternity. The witty statement is rocking in the forefront of your brain, the words swirling on your tongue. You have an 8 second window of opportunity before the moment passes and you are too late. In order to ensure the peak amount of laughter you want the delivery to be perfect. You don't want it to come out forced. You don't want to stumble on your words. Be calm. Be collected. You will make your friends laugh.

(Insert Inside Joke Here)

Wait for it, wait for it. One chuckles, then another, then another, now all your friends are in uproarious laughter. They are all gazing at each other in love with this moment. Friends will high five you and react with the following statements:

"Holy shit, that is awesome!"
"How did you think of that?!?!"
"OMG, you are soooooooo funny!"
"I wish I had half your wit!"
"I feel cooler by association!"

They think you're funny! Really! They do! Think to yourself, "fuck damn I'm clever! Hellz to the yeah, people love me, they really, really love me!" While your friends are laughing at your one line oratory firework try to play it cool. Keep as straight of a face as possible and right when the laughter starts to die down a bit allow yourself a smirk and a: "man guys, I didn't think it was THAT funny." Secretly know that you ARE that funny.

Wait at least a week until you and another friend who shared in the holy moment are with company who were not there. The more irrelevant the setting and company the better. Wait for a loose connection to anything happening in the present moment in which to relive a previous, more funny moment.

(Insert Inside Joke Here)

You and your friend are in hysterics! You are soooooo cool, like the coolest. Bask in the looks of jealousy, annoyance and rage that are coming from the people who do not know what in the hell you are talking about. You are a part of an inside joke, and no one can take that away from you.