Monday, June 13, 2011

Things That Are Not Sexy in Bed

1. Starfishing- Ladies, I think when it comes to sex we pretty much got the easy end of the bargain. Unless you are drunk off your rocker (in which case, men, why are you banging your drunk ass girlfriend?) there is no reason to lay silent and dormant during sex. By all means... claw, pull, moan, scream...do something! Do anything!

2. Pulling A Muscle- Not that I am speaking from personal experience or anything but there is no greater misfortune then to be on top during sex and then feel like a thousand knives are piercing into your calf muscle. Words of the wise: hydrate yourself. A lot of pulled muscles come from dehydration (usually from alcohol) so save yourself the sexual interruption and buy some Gatorade.

3. Dirty Feet- I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

4. Eating Anything That Is Fried- I have had several of my male friends share with me their ideal fantasy and more often than not it includes: watching a winning game of their team of choice, getting a blow job, a drug of their choosing, beer in one hand and something fried in the other. Some food in bed can be hot. There is the obvious chocolate, fruit, whipped cream genre. There is also the appropriate post sex meal ritual which by all means go ahead and re energize for round 2 or 3 or 4, but there is something gross about fried food during sexy times. First off it makes your hands greasy and therefore your sheets greasy, you get an oily coating around your mouth that looks like spunk and you end up more lethargic then when you started from eating too many saturated fats.

5. Comparing Current Activities in Bed to Past Lovers- I love when men take charge and tell you what they want, BUT the moment a dialogue like this occurs:

Stupid Male- "This is how my ex used to do it. Here, let me show you."
Female- "Bitch, I will cut you!"

all bets are off. Listen, I think we all understand that everyone have past lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends, drunk one night stands but in this moment in time, the most intimate of acts, I want to think your mind is only here with me and not with some other bitch you fucked before you met me. Take charge, but leave the baggage out of it.

Now everyone go have sex and report back to me on Monday.

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