Tuesday, June 28, 2011

An Open Letter To The Hot Guy With Dad Sandals

Dear Hot Guy,

I am writing to you on behalf of all the gorgeous, single women you could be meeting on the beach this summer. Heed my advice.

You are hot. That goes without saying but I'll say it anyway. Your body is perfectly defined, not overly muscular like a body builder but the delicate, lean muscles that come from extreme sports like rock climbing. You probably do yoga. Your body is a wonderland. You have beach hair that lies in perfect pieces over your tan, slightly perspirating forehead. You are the grown up, in the flesh version of Peter Pan. You are surrounded by other gorgeous people, other lost boys. Every girl and sexually confused boy is staring at you. Your swim trunks which fit most men awkwardly, fit you perfectly.

But please don't bother making eye contact. Don't come over and try to make small talk. Keep on walkin beautiful man.

I don't care if they give you magic powers.
I don't care if they make your penis grow an extra 3 inches.
I don't care if they allow you to walk on water like Jesus Christ himself.

You are a hot guy and you are wearing dad sandals. I know. I know. YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING IN THEM!!!!! I can't count the times I have been lectured by my dad sandal wearing friends:

"You can hike, climb rocks, swim, run, bike, crab walk, limbo, break dance, yodle. There is nothing you CAN NOT DO."

Did they ever help you get laid?

Women wear heels to feel pretty. We wear them going out, to weddings, parties, dance clubs, special occasions but you wouldn't catch me wearing them to run a 10K. Why then do you insist on wearing dad sandals for a night on the town? Or on the beach when everyone else is barefoot? I understand functionality, but for everything a time and place. I have had hideous trainers. Grand parents in medical need of orthopedic footwear probably owned shoes that looked more stylish then the Frankensteinesque trainers I was sporting, but I have flat feet and my ankles tilt inward. I get ugly shoes that serve a purpose, but please, save them for the mountains and the trekking and the cliff diving and the yoga.

Sidebar: Socks with any form of sandal is NOT ok unless you are over the age of 70.

You can never go wrong with Converse.

Just lookin out,

Natt x

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