Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I Hate The Beach

WARNING: The following piece is a whiney, negative rant. If you want no part in it quietly click the red x on the top right corner of your computer screen. It won't be awkward. No one is watching you.

Why is everyone always going on about why they love the beach so much? Whilst trying to think of some reasons I do like being at the beach it dawned upon me that it has nothing to do with the actual setting. Activities such as day drinking, being with my friends, having a laugh, these are the experiences that I find pleasurable and they can all be done elsewhere. While the scenery can be beautiful and I do enjoy the sun the cons far outweigh the pros.

Here are the reasons why I hate the beach:

Sand is a massive bitch. It gets everywhere: down my ass crack and all over my towel. It sticks to sun screen and clogs up pores. You inevitably will shake off your towel 9 or 10 times throughout the day subsequently getting sand into my eyes. Despite my best efforts to clean it off I will end up with a small beach worth of sand in my flat.

The water is grimy. Would you swim in an open sewer? Probably not. I have witnessed some vile things floating across the surface of the sea: condom wrappers, plastic cups, bags of picked up dog shit (I think that defeats the purpose of cleaning up after your dog) and beer cans galore. If the water is so murky that I can't see what is going on by my feet then I don't want any part of it.

It encourages anorexia.

It encourages skin cancer.

I don't want to see men in thongs.

Without fail if I make any plans to hang out at the beach before the upcoming weekend it will either: rain, be windy, cloudy or cold. It knows I am coming and wants to precipitate all over my god damn parade.

Despite the amount of sunscreen I slather my skin with I always miss a few patches. I end up looking like I have an odd rash.

Have you ever burned your armpits? Enough said.

My poor hand eye coordination mixed with a fear of being hit in the face pretty much eliminates me from all beach sports.

My friends love the beach, and I love my friends. Despite my negative feelings toward it, the conversation we have is always lively and good times are always had... but why can't we have them in a park? or on a rooftop? or a patio near the beach?

1 comment:

  1. I understand this, however if the beach is not too crowded and the sand tight with a boardwalk,
    and the sky is either clear or its night out (grey skies are depressing), it can be a pleasant experience to relax.