Tuesday, May 31, 2011

How to Grow Up in a Religious Cult

Be born into it. There is no single better way to get involved in a cloud of Jesus glitter then to have absolutely no choice but to believe it from your exit from the womb.

Grow up thinking wearing skirts and not cutting your hair means you have a close relationship with our savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. Pity the other girl's at school because they don't have a fucking clue that they are going to hell for their Full House haircut and acid wash jeans. Feel bad, feel really really bad.

Try to tell the other 2nd graders that Jesus picked me to "bear this cross." Expect roaring laughter from the expression "bear this cross." Recognize that you do not know what the term "bear this cross" means, but your Sunday school teacher always says it so just pretend.

Be at the church at least 5 days a week:
Monday- Choir Practice
Tuesday- Nursing Home Ministry
Wednesday- Bible Study, Children's Church, Youth Service
Friday- Youth Service Part Deux
Sunday- Regular Service

Try to figure out why you have never had cable television, or only watch Sesame Street and have no clue in hell who New Kids on the Block are. Why does every other girl have them on her lunch box?

Go to Jesus Camp. If you are a boy play basketball and baseball. If you are a girl, watch the boys play basketball and baseball or go take a course on how to do hair. These are your options. Spend the entire day trying to figure out what you will wear to church that night. Get a boyfriend/girlfriend for the week of camp. Secretly hold hands under a blanket on the hayride, if you are really daring go behind the tabernacle and sneak a kiss. Don't get caught. You will be sent home.

Be uber-judgmental. When new people come to visit the church do not show them understanding or love instead judge them for wearing pants, smoking, reeking of booze, exposing their cleavage and having children outside of the marital bed.

Vow to stay a virgin till you're married. Solidify this vow by wearing a 'promise' ring. Figure out and participate in every other sexual act outside of vaginal intercourse...this is your loophole. When you find out your friends in the cult have slipped and had sex release your judgmental glances and nods when they walk by. Couldn't you have just given him a hand job instead? Whore.

Only date people in the cult. This means by the time you are 18 you and four of your friends will have made out with/dry humped the same guy/girl.

Don't attend or visit: concerts, professional sporting events, movie theaters or bars because it is against the cult handbook... if you do, don't get caught.

Do attend or visit: bowling alleys, Christian rock concerts, restaurants with bars attached and amusement parks...these are allowed for some reason. Don't complain about it, it is all you have.

Go to Cedar Point (large Ohio amusement park) every Memorial day from the age of 12-22. Claim to be wearing skirts to be modest yet hike them up to your netheregions when you have to get in a roller coaster that buckles between your legs.

Only hang around with your cult friends. Friends outside the cult will corrupt your mind and make you think something is wrong with said cult. Go out to eat with cult friends, usually T.G.I. Friday's or Applebees as this is the place to be seen and flirt with the hot soon to be preacher. Gain a ton of weight from eating too many 1/2 off appetizers.

Watch every friend slowly get married and start having babies as early as the age of 16. Pine to meet your soul mate so you can have sex...I mean, form a long and lasting eternal bond with another Christian.

Go to University. No matter how much it may be discouraged just go. Have your significant other who works the night shift at a plastic shop make you feel extreme guilt for missing Wednesday night Bible studies for your Psych 101 course.

Start to get a clue. Ask as many questions as your heart desires. Do not follow blindly something you truly don't understand. Be told by your pastor that you: "have always been a bit rebellious" and "you need to fall back into line."

Research ways to leave the country. Visit Asia. Meet people who teach abroad. Apply to teach abroad. Get accepted to teach English in Korea.

Ask your pastor permission to leave the cult and go work in Asia. Be told "no, I don't feel comfortable with you leaving."

Leave anyway.

Finally be happy.

Finally be free.

Listen to the comeback album from New Kids on the Block.

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