Tuesday, May 31, 2011

An Account of How I Spent 24 Hours Straight in Meijer

Two things about me: I have a hard time saying no and I can't pass up a good dare, combined this makes for a lethal combination.

It was a simple challenge:
What: Spend 24 hours in Meijer...a large all you need one stop shop, similar to Wal-mart and Tesco.

When: July 6th, 2007

Who: Just me, although later I did buy a goldfish to keep me company.

Where: Meijer located on M-59 and Hayes Road, Shelby Township, MI, 48313, U.S.A

Why: A few reasons...First off it was exam time and I was procrastinating like it was my job, like I was the CEO. Secondly, I had just split up with my boyfriend and as much as I enjoyed random bouts of crying and reminiscing of the good times we shared I needed something, fuck, anything to distract me. What better way to do this then to spend 24 hours, alone.

5:00 p.m: It begins. A couple of my friends accompany me inside. Take a couple photos to prove I was there and I was doing this. Walk to the clothing section to look at the skirts (shocking) and then bid me so long, farewell, auf weidersein...they take my cell phone.

5:13 p.m.: I am no fool, start strong, head straight to the video games. Spend a bountiful amount of time browsing games I can not afford to buy. Pick up the newest 'Pink' album. Who listens to this shit? Wait for an 11 year old to get off the X-Box. Play a really dull racing game for over 2 hours. Waste time, waste time. I hate Nascar games. Think 'why am I doing this?' Continue doing it.

8:35 p.m.: I am being nostalgic. I think me and the ex fought in this very cereal aisle. It is amazing how much time can be wasted in the cereal aisle. What the fuck do they put in Cocoa Pebbles to make them so addictive? Oh, that's right, chocolate and sugar. Duh.

9:47 p.m.: I am staring at the air soft guns. I want one. But why? I would never shoot anything with it. I want to embrace a more masculine side of myself which can only be achieved by holding a fake gun.

10:30 p.m.: Super fucking bored. I just broke the under 20 hour to go mark and I am regretting taking this dare. Wishing I smoked so I could semi-justify sneaking outside for a cig. Walk over to the cigs to see how much they are. $3.25?!?!

11:52 p.m.: Candles are cool. They come in so many different scents. Pick up a 'Fresh Cut Lawn' scented one. This is pleasant. Wonder how I can become a candle scent engineer. Is there such a career? Will invent one in a few hours.

12:00 a.m.: MIDNIGHT!!! Where can I go sleep? Have always wanted to sleep in a bed shaped like a race car. Meijer has no beds shaped like race cars, in fact they have no beds at all. Settle for sitting on a bean bag instead. It doesn't have any neck support. Who designs these things? Can't sleep.

12:02 a.m.: Books make people sleepy. The magazine and book aisle is an odd place. Harry Potter rests carefully next to a Danielle Steele novel. Who is reading Danielle Steele novels? Try to recall a friend or relative ever being seen with a Steele novel. Settle for the newest issue of GQ. Figure if I can't hold a gun to feel more masculine then I will hold a men's magazine instead. Flip to an article of how men are becoming more metrosexual. Reevaluate whether I picked up the right magazine to feel more masculine.

2:30 a.m.: I am receiving odd looks from the cashier who has watched me try to pick out a candy bar for over an hour. This may be the most important decision I make tonight, must take it seriously. Settle on a Three Musketeers bar. Pay my 85 cents and head over to grab a Mountain Dew slurpee. Will suffer with sugary snacks.

4:00 a.m.: Pet aisle. Why haven't I ever owned a turtle? or a hamster? Spend 30 minutes watching the dead goldfish play bumper cars with all the other fish. Ponder up possible scenarios of how the goldfish died. Buy a goldfish. Best 45 cents I have spent recently. He is white with a little orange patch on his belly. Spend another hour sitting in the food court trying to figure out a name for my new friend. Decide on 'Bandit' as this is my ex's dog's name and I am a sappy heartbroken loser.

6:25 a.m.: Under 12 hours to go. I have not slept. I am so bored I am having a lengthy conversation with Bandit about how under rated Clinton was as President. I hate G.W. Bush and now so does my goldfish.

8:00 a.m.: The food court is open. Spend 25 minutes examining every possible breakfast scenario. Do I feel like french toast sticks or a breakfast sandwich? Walk back over to the cereal aisle and debate buying a box of cereal. Walk to the check out line with a box of Apple Jacks, carton of soy milk and a Power Rangers bowl. This is the right decision. Steal a spoon from the food court. Sit and eat as I read 'On the Road.' Try to look as hipster as possible. Impossible as I have on the uniform of a cult follower: thick glasses, hair in a bun, no makeup, awkward length skirt, Abercrombie long sleeve t-shirt.

12:00 p.m: Finished reading nearly half of 'On the Road.' The assistant manager is eyeing me. Must find a place that is less out in the open. Decide it is my lot in life to be a hipster. Go to the clothing section. I WILL TRY ON JEANS! Skip over to the jeans. Shit! Where did I put Bandit? Run back to the food court to see a 10 year old eyeing my fish. Step back child, I will cut thee.

1:29 p.m.: Am fading quickly. Will keep busy by eating. Have accomplished to eat more calories then a professional body builder. Why doesn't Meijer have a McDonald's?

3:06 p.m.: "Test driving" a bike near a sign that says PLEASE DO NOT RIDE THE BICYCLES. Purposely run into another bike and watch them fall over like dominoes. I have cabin fever. I am doing things just to make sure I can still feel. I am a drama queen.

4:00 p.m.: The last hour. The final countdown. Time to be reckless. Open a box of legos and start to assemble a pirate ship.

4:05 p.m.: I can no longer sit stationary. Am dancing around the aisles to music that is only playing in my head. Head to the televisions. Sesame Street is on. Two-step to 'Rubber Ducky You're the One.'

4:56 p.m.: Decide it is appropriate to take a victory lap around the border of the store. Am high fiving strangers as I look like a deranged ex-convict.

5:00 p.m.: VICTORY! Run out of Meijer feeling a euphoric high. I have accomplished the impossible. I have managed to out-nerd myself.

5:49 p.m.: My lame ass friends forget to come get me. Have no phone in which to contact them with. Start walking home.

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