Friday, April 22, 2011

A Short List of Things I Can Confidently Say I Will Never Do

I'm 24.
I'm youngish.
Some people die by the cliché: 'Never Say Never.'
Fuck that.
These are the things I will NEVER do. In no particular order.
A change in age nor wealth nor social status will ever convince me otherwise.

1. I will NEVER enjoy listening to country music.*
2. I will NEVER take Bob Dylan's name in vain. Nor Freddie Mercury.
3. I will NEVER own any form of arachnid as a pet.
3. I will NEVER step foot back in a United Pentecostal Church. Thanks for the mindfuck.
4. I will NEVER stop cursing. Nothing like a well placed 'fuck' to add emphasis.
5. I will NEVER be cruel to another human being. Perhaps I may be a tad bitchy, annoyed, awkward...but never cruel.
6. I will NEVER purchase a sex toy shaped like any form of vegetation or produce.
7. I will NEVER match an article of clothing with any potential future boyfriend.
8. I will NEVER take 6 shots of vodka on an empty stomach after running 10km earlier in the afternoon. Idiot.
9. I will NEVER dress up like a clown. Who invented clowns? I hate you.
10. I will NEVER compete in any form of food eating contest.
11. I will NEVER participate in any sort of 'rape' sexual fantasy. I do not care how much you would enjoy that sicko.
12. I will NEVER put a picture of my family anywhere I could potentially see from my bed. I can sense their judgmental glances.
13. I will NEVER visit Mississippi on purpose.
14. I will NEVER have a threesome.**

*Bluegrass is not country.
**After I get married.


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