Thursday, April 21, 2011

How to Have Boring Sex

Enter the bedroom. Don't contemplate attempting intercourse in another area of your/your partner’s home. Stick with the bed, the bed is your friend. Make sure the fan is on or the window is open: sweating is messy. This way you are more likely to avoid the joint shower session post-coitus. Set your bag down, divulge in a few minutes of small talk regarding the happenings of the evening:

"Did you see the way Ryan looked at her?"
"She's a whore."
"Did you enjoy your meal?"
"He said he would fuck the Queen!”

Save your partner the trouble of doing it and start undressing yourself. Females leave your bra on. It isn't necessary to have extra flesh getting in the way of things. Take a few steps towards one another. Start making out with sweet, gentle kisses. Try to keep tongue to a minimum. One in every four kisses is appropriate.

Turn on your laptop and put on your Michael Bolton playlist. Turn off all the lights with the exception of the nightlight in the bathroom. Mutually lay down in bed together under the sheets. Be sure your eyes stay shut the entirety of this sexual escapade. More kissing. Gently place your hands on the abdomen, thighs, lower back, over the bra and underwear. Yes, you must refer to them as 'underwear.' Feel the bulge through the boxers. More kissing. Kiss her breasts over the bra, kiss down her stomach, over her underwear. Avoid giving her oral sex. Use the line: "I don't want you to cum now because then we can't have any more fun."

Go down on him but for no longer then 1-2 minutes. Use the excuse: "I don't want you to cum now because then we can't have any more fun."

Have sex in the missionary position. Keep any moaning to a hushed murmur. Try to make it last for at least 5 minutes but no one will hold it against you if you can't.

Snuggle, spoon, drift into sleep on separate sides of the bed.

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